In Death
by MarauderGirl777
Summary: Why? Why did he die, trying to protect her? Why couldn't she save him? So many unanswered questions.. It was all her fault. She couldn't save him. She was wracked with guilt.. So she decided to join him. GaaraxSakura one-shot. Rated M for sensitive topic


**"In Death"**

_"He died for you..."_

Those words popped into her head every day. Every day she was tormented, her gut twisting endlessly.

She didn't have any friends; she didn't deserve them. Even a year later she was torn with grief. She hated it when everyone told her it wasn't her fault. If she weren't so _useless, _he couldn't have had to save her.

But.. he didn't have to.

So why did he? _Why?_

She was nothing. _Nothing. _Sure, if Naruto were there he would have saved her, but.. _him?_

_Gaara?_

Pain washed over her at the thought of him. She'd never really talked to him much. She knew Naruto and he had shared a bond. She knew his heart wasn't ice like it was in their genin years.

But to save someone he barely knew? She had underestimated his kindness.

Her heart clenched. _'Gaara.. I'm so sorry.. You have to save my pathetic self.. You..'_

".. Didn't have to die," she whispered.

She pulled her knees to her chest.

Why did she feel so terrible? Why was she so saddened by the red-head's death? She never really knew him, and it'd been over a year since his death.

So why did she feel tears welling up in her eyes right now?

Her stomach hurt. She wanted to lean over the edge of her bed and throw up the little bit of ramen she'd had that afternoon. She cradled her head in her knees, and her body began trembling.

_'Why?'_

Why? That had become the question of her life. Why.

Why?

Why was she obsessing over the death of someone she didn't know?

Why was she obsessing over the death of someone she didn't love?

Why did she feel so stupid? Why did she feel so worthless? Why did she feel that a part of her was gone along with him?

Why was life so hard?

She had to get her mind off of him, and get it focusing on something else. She was wracked with guilt, her heart sinking lower every second.

Books. Books were her best friends. She turned to them whenever she had a problem, as did she turn to them now. She wondered if the 'whys' would finally stop if she got answers. Books held the answers to just about every question in the world. Books were one of the greatest tools in history, dating way back.

Books were knowledge.

And knowledge was something Sakura needed right now.

First, her booksheld was searched thoroughly. A few medical journals and romance novels weren't going to answer her questions.

She wondered about those books Sai was always reaching. About emotions.

The was when she wiped her eyes, composed herself, and slipped out the door.

xXx

It was dark outside, and bitterly cold. The winter wasn't Sakura's favorite time of year. She shivered, before opening the door and sighing as she stepped into the warmth of Konoha's library.

The library was Sakura's favorite place. From the cozy warmth and the old paper smell to the warm, sunny lighting, it felt like her second home. Dropping her coat into one of the large, dquishy futon chairs in the back, she made her way through the shelves, looking for something that could help.

She must have searched for at least an hour before finding something titled "Guilt". She took the book back to her seat, and settled herself in before opening the book.

She'd been reading for almost an hour when she checked her clock. It was late, and she needed to get home. She grabbed her coat, checking the book out and scuttling home.

Once home, she dove into the book again. "Guilt often occurs with the death of a loved one." she read. "The grief is so great you often blame yourself for their death."

She paused to think about it. _But.. It really __was__ my fault..'_

She slammed the book closed, feeling drowsy. She left herself drift off to sleep on her couch.

xXx

The next morning was rather painful. Sakura's back was sore from her awkward sleeping position, and the book didn't help her much. She sighed; her eyes watered slightly. She wiped the sleep and tears from them and hauled herself up, dragging her feet towards the bathroom.

As she showered, she found the heat almost unbearable. Her flesh became taut, her skin prickling. The steam fogged up her lungs, and she had trouble breathing. Body still not fully rinsed, she shut the water off, coughing and hacking. She panted, leaning back against the shower wall, closing her eyes.

She calmed herself; it was cold now. Sakura couldn't stand too much heat. She didn't like the bitter cold, but.. heat reminded her of the extreme heat radiating off of him as he grabbed her and held her to him, dashing to a safe distance. Heat reminded her of his hot, metallic blood as if covered her trembling hands. Her hands that couldn't heal them, no matter how hard they tried..

"I'M A FUCKING MEDIC!!!" She screamed, lurching her fist into the shower wall beside her. It crumbled, and she left a ragged hole in the wall. She slumped back against the wall she was leaning on, sobbing. He shaking hands covered her face, her wet hair dripping onto her knees.

"Why didn't I--.. I killed the Kazekage.. I let him d-die.. W-Why cou--..." her sobs broke her off.

_'Why can't I let this go...?' _She silently asked herself. _'It's been over a year.. It seems like I'm the only one who hasn't moved on..' _

She then bit her lip. _'.. Why can't I move on?'_

She eventually got out of the shower and dried herself off. "What is wrong with me?" she asked herself quietly, looking into the mirror. She lifted a hand to touch her pale face. It was beautiful, yet clearly in pain. She looked like what she was: a miserable person.

She didn't want to be miserable anymore.. she wanted to forget Gaara and his death and move on with her life.

So she went to Tsunade.

xXx

"Ah, Sakura." Tsunade looked up, surprised. "Good to see you."

"Same, shishou." Sakura said politely.

"Did you need something?" the blonde-haired woman asked.

"Yes," Sakura looked down. "I, uhm.. Are there any good psychologists around?"

"Hmm.." Tsunade put a finger to her chin. "I believe.. ah, yes."

She took a piece of ricepaper and scribbled down an addess. She handed her the paper. "There," she said. "Though I must ask.. why do you want to visit a psy - "

The look on Sakura's face told her everything.

".. Oh."

Without another word, she left.

xXx

She didn't have trouble finding the place, but it was in the corner of the village. It was kind of.. shady, which Sakura didn't like in the least. Hesitantly opening the door, she poked her head in. "Hello?"

"I'll be with you in a minute," a female voice drifted from another room.

Sakura let herself in and sat in one of the small, olive green chairs in the foyer. The place was small, and frankly, Sakura thought it was terribly ugly.

"I have some redesigning to do, I know," she voice said again, and Sakura broke her gaze from the wall to look at the owner of the voice.

"TenTen-chan?" Sakura's eyes widened. "I didn't know you.."

".. Were a loopy doctor?" she chuckled. "I wanted to help people in more ways than one."

"Ah, so you're still.."

"Taking missions, yes." TenTen smiled. "So, how are you, Sakura-san? Why are you here?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me," Sakura admitted. "I.. can't seem to forget the past."

"Come with me," TenTen said, before turning and going into another room. Sakura followed, looking around with the usual frown on her face.

"Sit down," TenTen said with a smile, sitting back in a recliner. Sakura did as she was told, sitting on a couch. She looked around. This room was different from the last; it wasn't plain, or ugly at all. It was a purple scheme, with dark purple walls. The couch and recliner were an amethyst color, and the floors were a polished wood.

"This room's nice," Sakura commented softly.

"Yes, this is my room.. I do quite like it." TenTen grinned. "Now, what's this about 'the past'?"

Sakura looked down. "You remember the fight in Suna, a year ago.."

"Ah, yes.." TenTen frowned.

"Well.. someone died, trying to protect me.

"Oh.. Gaara..."

"Yes.. I.." Sakura could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. "I-I just.. It's all my fault and I.."

"Sakura, you have to quit blaming yourself," TenTen said. "Blaming yourself is one of the reasons why you can't let it go."

"But it IS my fault!" Sakura stood, trembling. "I couldn't save him! I'm so _weak _and _useless!!"_

"Couldn't and wouldn't are two different things, Sakura," TenTen said calmly, as if Sakura were having small chat with her. "You honestly _tried _to save him. Things might be different if you hadn't tried. You tried your hardest as a medical ninja.. You shouldn't feel guilty."

"But he _died! _For ME!" Sakura was in hysterics. "He wasn't assigned to protect me!!"

"He was being a good shinobi."

"But.. why _him? _Gaara, of all those in the battle.." Sakura's voice lowered to a whisper.

"It's possible no one else had the time or freedom to help, and he saw an ally shinobi in need.. There's so many possible reasons why." TenTen said calmly.

"B-But we don't know why.." Sakure whispered, plopping back down on the couch.

"Only Gaara himself could answer it," TenTen shrugged. "None of us know."

"I want to know.." Sakura looked up at the ceiling.

"Why?"

This question befuddled Sakura. Why?

_Why?_

_Why?!_

_WHY?!_

That was her life now. 'Why?'

"I.. Don't know.." she whispered.

TenTen seemed to be in thought. "Sakura, tell me.. have you and Gaara had any interaction with each other?"

"What do you mean..?" Sakura asked dully.

"Talking, physical contact, anything." TenTen answered.

"Only two, not counting fighting.." Sakura frowned.

"Describe them both to me."

Sakura looked down. "The first one was when we helped them with tracking down and rescuing his student. I had stopped by to heal him.. he was injured from bettle. There was little conversation."

"What conversation was there?"

"Well.. I was healing his legs so he could stand. I looked at him, asking, 'What happened to you?' He said, 'The enemy is strong.. be careful.' I shook my head and finished healing him. I helped him up, and he murmured a 'Thank you' before leaving."

"I see.. and the second scenario?"

"It was at Chiyo's funeral.." Sakura bit her lip. "She was special to both Gaara and I.. To him for giving him her life, and to me for saving mine countless times during the battle with Sasori. She was so admirable.."

TenTen smiled. "I remember."

"Anyways.. Gaara and I had stayed, after everyone else had left. We stayed for a long time; from sunset till well into the night."

"I remembered wondering where you were."

"Yes, well.. We stood there for what seemed like forever.. Most of the time we were silent, but it was a comfortable silence.. peaceful and quiet. We gazed up at the stars, and I said softly, 'The stars are so much brighter here.' He'd only looked at me and said, 'Less light from the village to hide them.' I smiled. 'Chiyo.. this is a good spot for her burial.'

"'I thought so,' he murmured, and I'd glanced at him. I remember noticing how.. _attractive _he was and.. I remember that I'd wanted us to stand there the whole night, just making idle comments.. It was peaceful to me, and when he began walking away I found myself wanting him to stay."

TenTen looked deep in thought. "Elaborate."

"It was a small feeling, but I didn't want to go back to Naruto and the rest of you guys. I wanted to stay in the saddened peace for a least a little longer. When he began walking away, I called out, 'Gaara!' He looked back at me silently. 'She was important to you, wasn't she..' I said softly, eyes watering. I don't know why my eyes watered..

"He stared at me for a moment. 'She gave her life to save mine.. I owe her everything. I never knew she cared.' I smiled, wiping my eyes. 'She told me a lot of things as we fought together. She really did know her duties and priorities.. She knew that you were more important, more crucial to the village.. And you are.. Without you, the whole village would fall apart.'

"He never replied. He stared at me for a few moments longer, before walking away again. After a few moments, I'd walked away too, joining him. We said nothing more my entire time in Suna."

"I see.." TenTen looked at the floor.

Sakura bit her lip. "TenTen.. why can't I get him out of my head.. Why can't I get the guilt, the pain out of my heart.."

"Sakura, it sounds to me like you might have harbored some feelings for Gaara."

"Well of course I res - "

"No, Sakura. I mean.. _feelings."_

Sakura's eyes widened. ".. I.. I don't.. _How?"_

Finally, a question other than _why._ For some reason, it felt good to say something other than 'why'.

"Chemistry. Tell me, did you ever touch him? Brush of the arm, anything?" TenTen asked.

"Not really.. But we were standing close together at Chiyo's grave. Being near him.. I felt adrenaline rushing through my veings. I felt kind of excited, almost.. nervous. I think he did brush my arm by accident.."

"Did it cause your skin to tingle, anything?" TenTen pressed.

"It made my skin feel like it was on fire.." Sakura frowned.

TenTen paused, looking at the floor in thought.

"TenTen.." Sakura whimpered. "How do I get over him..?"

TenTen didn't answer for a moment.

Finally, she said, ".. Visit the grave."

Sakura's eyes widened. ".. alone?"

"I think you should," TenTen smiled reassuringly. "I really think it will help."

Sakura bit her lip, as realization dawned on her. ".. I'll go.. tonight."

TenTen smiled, nodding. "Good. I hope you find what you're looking for, Sakura."

"Thanks, TenTen.." Sakura gave her a weak smile, before getting up and heading out of the office.

xXx

Night fell, and Sakura had donned herself in black. She took a few roses she'd bought earlier that day at the Yamanaka Flower Shop, holding them. She quickly hid a kunai and a note in her pocket, and headed quietly out the door.

She walked along the streets of Konoha, heading in the direction of the graveyard.

"Sakura-chan!!"

Sakura turned to see Naruto waving at her, running to catch up with her.

Sakura smiled weakly, looking at him. Once he'd approached her, he glanced at the flowers and her apparel, confused. "What's.. up?"

"I just need to go visit someone," Sakura said quietly, the small smile leaving her face.

"Oh.." Naruto's face fell. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, this is something I need to do myself.." Sakura bit her lip, before murmuring, "Thank you, Naruto.. for everything."

Then she leaned forward, kissing his cheek. He watched her with a blush as she walked away.

xXx

"Gaara.." Sakura whispered, looking down at his gravestone. "What TenTen said is only partly true.."

She closed her eyes. "I-I never realized I had such feelings for you.."

Her voice broke; it was hoarse. Tears spilled from her eyes as her trembling hands clenched the roses. "Th-That's where TenTen w-was wrong, Gaara.." Sakura wept. "Visiting this grave won't make things better!!"

She bit her lip, stifling her sobs. "I-I know that the only way to make the pain stop, is to be with you."

She wiped her eyes, setting the flowers on the grave. "So tonight, I join you.. and find peace."

She pulled the kunai and the note out of her pocket. She laid the note beside the flowers, and closed her eyes.

"Wait for me, Gaara.." she whispered, before running the blade across her neck.

xXx

_Naruto,_

_I have come to the conclusion that the death of Sabaku no Gaara has driven me insane. I'm writing this to tell you and everyone else that I will miss you all terribly. Please, don't cry over me, and bury me here, where I died. I'll be with him now in the afterlife; may, just maybe he returns the feelings I've somehow developed for him over the years._

_Maybe then I can have pece. I'm so sorry I've left you all like this.. But I couldn't live the way I've been living any more._

_I love you all, and I'll hopefully be watching you from above._

_Love,_

_Sakura Haruno_

**END.**


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